Nov 21, 2014 09:40AM
By Peri Kinder
There’s a small, football-shaped gland in the center of the brain that makes people go temporarily insane. It kicks into high gear during fall and winter. Each weekend, this gland swells to the size of an actual football, blocking rational thought and flooding the body with the hormone fanaticsol.
This hormone produces the ability to recall facts about any sports player, in any game, in any era, at any time. Plus it encourages a person to drink copious amounts of beer while watching millionaires put on funny clothes and throw things at each other.
Too much fanaticsol can result in stupid bar fights, irrational lifelong feuds, the spousal silent treatment and, in extreme cases, the need to contact an attorney. It also stimulates the desire to wear a favorite player’s team jersey, even though it’s stained with guacamole—because those are “Lucky guacamole stains, and you can’t wash them off!”
If this sounds familiar, you or a loved one could be suffering from Sports-induced Addictive Pastime Syndrome (SAPS). While there is no cure, there is hope that the afflicted person in your life will stop watching back-to-back NFL or NBA games, as well as hockey, baseball, NASCAR, golf, swim meets, college sports, and if nothing else is on, bowling championships.
An entirely fabricated study shows more than 80 percent of SAPS victims are male. Once fanaticsol hits their system, they can understand complicated playoff brackets in complete detail. They are able to change any variable and know the outcome. It’s like a version of Mad Libs.
Example: “If the (insert sports team) win, that means the (insert another sports team) will play (insert another sports team) in (insert location) on (insert date and time) where it’s supposed to (insert weather condition).”
And that information is in their brains! They don’t even have to Google it!
I watched my husband (a SAPS sufferer) strike up a conversation with a total stranger that went like this:
“Where are you from? I see you’re wearing a (insert sports team) hat.”
“I’m from (insert city’s name),” the fellow SAPS casualty says.
“Are you a (insert sports team) fan!? I grew up watching so-and-so play in the Whatchamacallit Dome.”
“Did you see the game in 1972 where (insert athlete’s name) threw a (insert sports terminology) and they won the game (insert final score)?”
“Yeah, that was crazy! But not as wild as when (insert athlete’s name) broke (insert another athlete’s name) record for (insert sport terminology.)”
But if you ask those same men what grade their daughter is in, the answer will be, “Um. Algebra?”
And the stats!
Somewhere in the Midwest, there’s a sports bar-type office where employees create irrelevant facts so sports announcers can demonstrate their unparalleled knowledge of the game.
The broadcaster might say, “If Mr. Football completes this pass, he’ll be the first left-handed quarterback in the history of the universe to throw 100 yards in the snow while recovering from tonsillitis at this venue.”
How do you respond to that?
While the majority of men choose their favorite teams based on who they watched growing up, women base their favorite teams on who their first boyfriend followed, or the color of the uniforms. Most women will stick around for world championship games, galactic title bouts and half-time shows, but that’s about it.
I just heard the TV turn on. My husband is watching some type of sporting event. That means I have a few hours to shop at (insert department store), and he won’t even know I’m gone.