The recent assassination attempt of former President Donald Trump has been a wake-up call for many people in our country. And it’s about time. 

For too long, we have given in to the money-making schemes of cable news stations, social media companies, politicians and others who profit off of strong emotions like fear, anger and hate. They are all attempting to capture your most scarce resource…your attention. And that captive attention is worth billions to them in advertising revenue.

A few years ago I mentioned to the campaign manager of a political candidate that I wished his candidate would tone down the rhetoric and talk about real policy rather than just throwing “red meat.” He told me that the red meat gets him on cable news and when that happens they get more political donations. What a disappointment. 

Our country was founded on passionate disagreement, debate and compromise, but we are losing the ability to have hard policy conversations without calling names, using pejorative language and taking things personally. We need to learn how to disagree in a better, more productive way.

My four children each have very different political leanings. One leans to the left and cheered on Bernie Sanders when he ran for president. Another is more libertarian. One loved Donald Trump. Another is more of a classic, Reagan-esque conservative. A few years ago I decided that if the Newton family could learn how to “disagree better,” anyone could. 

It has taken practice. Not all of my kids are willing participants in my experiment all the time. But we’ve gotten to the point where we can have political discussions without someone stomping out of the kitchen or calling someone names. That’s progress.

Here are some of my tips on how to practice this with your family and friends:

1. Be a listener. Honestly, this is the most important way you can positively contribute to political discussions. Don’t just listen to better form your own argument, but listen with the intent to understand. Show genuine curiosity. Try to truly see the other person’s perspective and understand their ideas. Repeat back to the person what you heard them say.
2. Don’t be sarcastic or make diminishing comments. It’s easy to want to do a “gotcha” or mock someone’s perspective, but that doesn’t help you build relationships and certainly doesn’t convince someone of your viewpoint.
3. Share the time. Some people want to dominate a conversation. Make sure you are spending more time hearing another viewpoint than sharing your own.
4. Don’t associate your identity with your political views. Our identities as parents, siblings, Jazz fans, and neighbors should all matter more than our political identities.
5. Finally, don’t consider it a failure if you fail to persuade someone of your view. Sometimes people change their minds and sometimes they don’t, but the relationship should stay healthy regardless.

I truly believe that the future of our nation depends on us learning this skill. American democracy depends on us assuming some good faith behind people and positions we think are wrong. We need to tamp down the anger, the rhetoric, and the hostility toward our fellow men. 

While we need politicians to do this, we also need you to help us do this. Our kids should grow up in a country that models kindness, empathy and healthy debate. 

Strong feelings are great! It’s how you share them that matters.